Goodbye, Chubby...
Oh Chubby, yesterday was one of the most heartbreaking days I’ve had. How could it be that you’ve only been with us for a few days and losing you tore our hearts. It seems like a better idea to keep quiet about you but how can I not share the most amazing moments we’ve had with you. Those short, short days- it was a dream come true when we got you. When you licked my face as I brought you up to the house, they were priceless. Seeing the kids so excited and just happy playing with you was enough for me.
I am filled with regret for having taken you in when we probably weren’t ready just yet. To be new in this place and to have taken on another responsibility. It was unfair for you. Oh but please, please know that we love you. WE DO LOVE YOU. And today my heart is yearning for you…
I am sharing this in the hopes of getting over this heartbreaking experience. We took Chubby, our 4-month old Frenchie, last Monday. The kids were longing for a pet and we were all homesick. We let our emotions get the best of us and said ‘yes’ to getting her. Considering I was alone with the 3 kids, adding on another responsibility was the last thing I needed but I’ve always wanted a frenchie and she had the most adorable colour and friendly character. Yesterday, we lost her due to a heat stroke. The afternoon sun was too much for her to bear and I was busy inside the kitchen that by the time I got to her, she was drooling so badly… It was a series of events that I’d rather not get into detail but the 20-minute car ride to the vet was one of the longest I’ve taken. She was in my arms struggling with the seizures caused by her high temperature. Imagine the kids were along for the ride since I didn’t have any helper with me. When we left the vet, she was stabilised and back to normal and even wanted to walk towards us. We were confident we would get her back the next day. We prayed for her healing and believed for the best.
At 8pm I messaged the vet to ask about her condition and was told that they were stabilising her temp once more and she had difficulty breathing, by 10pm they called to say she passed away. I couldn’t bear it and was bawling as I told Raffi (who was the only child awake at that time) who started screaming and asking why this happened when we prayed. I already knew that this was the worst decision we’ve ever made as parents. I have brought this upon the kids- Raffi in particular as she’s at that age where the pain of losing a loved one really hits her. Just a few months back, we had to put our cat for adoption before we left Singapore. Yesterday, she had to endure the car ride to the vet to see Chubby’s remains and to come back home to an empty cage and a broken heart with so many questions.
All we could do was explain that God answers all prayers, but it’s not always a “yes” and if it’s not, we must trust Him on why this is so. All we are thankful for is that she’s no longer in pain. She asked where dogs go to and we had to explain that to her as well. There were so many things we were unprepared for, but we knew we had to put her heart at ease. I searched for Bible verses on losing someone and came across this verse on Matthew.
“You’re blessed when you feel you’ve lost what is most dear to you. Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you.”
Nothing prepares you for the loss of someone you love. All the heart wrenching void that it leaves you with as you try to understand why it happened. And in these moments where we are most vulnerable, this is where I call unto Him for my comfort. I’ve heard many times that as parents we’re supposed to show strength and not cry. My emotions have gotten the better of me, true. I do hope though that my kids know that it’s okay to mourn, it’s okay to be sad. It’s okay to admit how you feel and to process it. That showing my vulnerability is never a sign of weakness.
We are parents, yes. We make mistakes like any other human beings. It was not prayed about, totally not planned for. In all fairness, we love her and have promised to set aside the funds for her transport should we return to Singapore (since this was what happened in Lola’s case).
In our haste to “normalise” our life in Indonesia, we tried to replicate what we had in Singapore. We were looking in all the wrong places and kept getting disappointed. Such is the case when you forget to turn to the source and just rely on your own (unreliable) decision-making skills.
Oh, Lord. I always come back to you. Always. Last night, I sat on the floor- crying and questioning you like a child. It was that time when I felt your calming presence embracing me. Yes, I miss her. There are regrets, pain, that inexplicable sadness I feel… but I know YOU, Lord. And I clearly remember how you have taken my sorrows away from me and brought me closer to you. So here I am, with an even bigger yearning to know you more. To walk in the path you made for us- it’s not clear at times but oh how I have forgotten that we don’t need to search for it- YOU will lead us there. Thank you that your mercies are new everyday.
