Learning to Let Go
How are you?
The past month has been pretty interesting. Like I mentioned previously, I’ve started opening up and now wanting to start something. So there was a possibility of working again, then there wasn’t… I also started volunteering in church, baby steps to serving and being more active in church. There were also some heartbreaking discoveries which made me question my purpose as a mother- but then I guess that isn’t at all new to any of us struggling to get by with parenting.
So I want to talk about work. The past few weeks I was excited about the possibility of going back to work. The job scope was the same thing I used to do back in Singapore- for awhile there it felt like a rewind to a life and career that I have been so hung up on leaving prematurely. It felt like I excelled in that field and was excited to finally could do it again. In fact, when I look back I was always holding on to this career woman version of myself. I let it define me so much that I was just so driven to just dive back into it. So the weeks went by- one interview after another. Then the waiting… Each time, my doubts were slowly creeping in. Can I still really do this and do I really want to still? Would I really want to have less time for the kids when I prayed for this exact moment before? Now I was slowly dreading news because I wasn’t entirely sure I was ready for it- or if was God’s will or just my materialistic side getting the best of me. In the end, it was decided that it wasn’t the most ideal situation for me to go back to the workforce at this point in time with the offer that was laid out for me.
Now let’s go back a week prior to going for all these job interviews, I just left Periplus with The Search, Finding Meaningful work in a Post-Career World by Bruce Feiler. I was slowly settling into my days alone at home, now looking into the possibilities available for a stay at home mum like myself. I knew and felt strongly about doing something worthwhile, not really going back into the workforce but doing something more inspiring, something encouraging for other women going through the same transition as I was.
Living in Singapore was such an amazing time in my life. I learned so much from my bosses and my peers- professionalism and efficiency were key. I was not the best employee but I was so passionate about learning and collaborating with like-minded people. However, the pace was fast and as our family slowly grew, I knew I had to sacrifice my career in order to dedicate more time for my children. My husband and I were traveling for work and there were overlaps at times so we knew that one of us had to give. The process of letting go took some time. Imagine, that was almost 6 years ago and to date I still miss work. However, when we moved to Jakarta I dedicated myself to building a good life for my family. I sourced for suppliers and styled our home. I rekindled my love for baking, and learned to love the kitchen. After our first year, the pandemic hit. Nothing much changed for me but I had to help the kids cope with the new normal then. I was still baking, cooking, cleaning the home, etc…
So now that we’ve sort of gotten back to normal, I guess I always felt like going back to what I was used to doing was the best thing. Now but what if… What if this is not God’s plan for you? What if He has something better set up for you but you’re too caught up in what you know and what YOU want? So this has been going through my mind- not just recently but so many times. It’s just that I was always afraid to step out and actually do anything. I have no idea where to even start or what it is I am supposed to do. Wait, well I actually do and it’s this verse from Matthew 6:33 that keeps going through my head, giving me hope and direction.
“33 But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.”
I have so much time right now and I know for sure that this was all part of His plan. So here we are, back to square one and I feel like I need to get this right instead of going in circles. It’s not a straight path for sure, and I am thanking Him now for sending help my way because I’ve seen how being in a community builds us up and gets us in the right direction.
Do you also feel stuck in a rut? Maybe yours is about your work at present or a relationship. I am praying with you, and hoping you choose to seek Him during these tough moments in your life too. Here’s to our self-discovery and getting better as we age!