45

One more day before I turn 45. Here I am crying uncontrollably and wondering what has become of my life? 3 years in another country trying to get used to my new role- a stay-at-home-mom. Let’s not forget the last 2 years were an unusual time for us with the pandemic overshadowing every other problems we were facing then. I was struggling to accept that I have no income and am highly dependent on my husband for everything. Little by little I feel my self confidence deteriorating. I know there is nothing wrong with being a SAHM but I have been so used to working and being able to splurge on myself every now and then. Now my spending is monitored and dipping into my savings takes a lot of justification because I’m afraid that this is really it- if I finish it up, there won’t be anything left. I have no other source of income right now and thinking of slowly wiping out my hard-earned money is really out of the question.

Let’s also talk about marriage and career. While I am proud of my husband and his achievements, it makes me think about my life and the career I’ve lead. I’ve been through a number of career shifts- but all relating to retail. And when I think which one I preferred the most- Merchandising, Fashion Buyer, Brand Manager, Freelancer… I can’t seem to choose 1. Each one was allowed me to understand the world of retail better and I can’t seem to pick just one. The travelling was definitely the biggest perk. While it was all done for work, I was able to extend and explore each city on my own. There’s really so much to learn from different cultures- so many reasons to appreciate this world we live in. These experiences, I keep with me to this day and I love to talk about my travels with the kids. It’s like encouraging them to explore the world when their time comes. So before I stray from my point, I wanted to share that there was a time when I had to choose my family first. Justin was at a turning point in his career and was away for almost months at a time while I was also travelling almost every other month for buying trips. So I chose to do freelance and work with brand owners that I have built a relationship with over the course of my career in Singapore. Something I feel extremely grateful for to date. There were many sacrifices and I missed working but I loved being able to work from home and spending time with the kids. Eventually we had to move to Indonesia, I was still working with a Singapore brand for almost a year but I had to eventually give it up to focus on our home and support the children with their schooling and new life in a new country. Oh and on the day of my birthday he had to go overseas for work…

I know, I know, it’s just a birthday… but I spent my 40th on a buying trip in Milan, I always thought that the 45th will definitely the time I can have a more memorable celebration. Oh well…

So here I am still wondering why am I writing here? I can think of a million different reasons, but I think the longing to be heard or to find moms who feel the same way I do… I think that’s part of the reason. Writing my thoughts, sharing about friends I admire, telling you about my discoveries- all these are a part of who I am. My vocabulary might not be as extensive, but my passion to share ideas with you is immense.

So here I am, at 45. Still trying to find my next new adventure- a new hobby, passion, adventure. I know the date of this post is Feb12, but I left this draft and just got back to it now- November 17. Started one month after the new year and ending this post a month to 2023. What happened in between was a lot of distractions and diversions. I can’t say they were all bad, but it made me realise that I still love to write. I still love to share, and hopefully encourage anyone who might also be stuck in a rut. Like they said, just keep doing it. Don’t stop learning, don’t stop creating even if you feel like no one is looking. Just do what you love because at the end of the day, we don’t answer to anyone else but ourselves.

So here’s to 45, or the last few months of being 45… Gosh, let’s hope 46 is better!